Miscarriage

I lost the baby on Christmas night.

I bled and felt cramps all day, and went to the ER when the bleeding got worse. The hormone levels were really low and the ultrasound confirmed it.

I'm still in a lot of physical pain, but my heart hurts even worse.

So frustrated.

And now they're saying I'm 7 weeks along. Which is it, people??

And my OB/GYN said I need an ultrasound late next week.
The office staff said to make it early next week.
And the imaging place said to make it no earlier than the 31st.

Ugh.

Oh, and my OB/GYN keeps going on and on about the statistics of miscarriage. And it's really freaking me out... I would think saying it ONCE would be sufficient. I feel like he's trying to reassure me, and nothing has even happened yet!

Maybe it's the hormones, but I had myself a good cry last night.

Earlier than we thought!

On Monday, my HGC levels were at 3000 - and the woman on the phone said that I'm so early along, things are not doubling yet. She said it sounds like I'm about 5 weeks along NOW (and that means 3 weeks since conception)... wow! I wonder how in the world my levels showed up on a home pregnancy test only 1 week after conception!!

GOOD news!

REALLY good news!

My HGC levels were at 1800 on Friday! On Friday, the radiologist said that we should hope for numbers at or below 3000. So the dating was DEFINITELY wrong before!!!!!!!!! I'm going back for another blood test today, to check and see how things are developing in terms of my HGC levels - it's supposed to double or x1.5 every other day. I'm going to see my OB/GYN on Thursday, so hopefully by then, we'll know when my real due date is, and how far along I am.

Not good... OMG...

Not good... but not sure... I've either got my dates ALL wrong and it's a much earlier pregnancy than my doctor thought, or something is wrong with the baby... it's not the right size at all. The radiologist said he's worried it's a partial miscarriage. I got bloodwork taken immediately afterwards and I'm HOPING it comes back tomorrow. It'll tell us whether the hormone is low (= earlier pregnancy, which is a good thing) or it's high (= later pregnancy, but something is wrong).

Here's the problem with the dates:

I had a period starting on Oct 20
I stopped my pill on Oct 30
I had a "period" (bleeding) from Nov 1 - 3
I took a HPT (home preg test) on Nov 27 - nothing
I took a HPT on Dec. 1 - very faint line (this happened with 3 of them)
I took a HPT on Dec 5 - first dark line I got

So the doctor was assuming that my real period was Oct 20, not Nov 1. But that may be wrong... and off the pill, I may be having a longer cycle (not 28 days - years ago, before I was on the pill, I had really weird cycles)... so I don't know. That may explain why it's so small... it may just be really early still. This is what my MIL (who works in radiology in a hospital) thinks, that the dates are wrong.

But hearing the doctor say, "I think you may have had a partial miscarriage." and "I guess it's possible that it's still going to be okay" was extremely upsetting. I'm trying to stay positive, but I keep worrying about the possibility that something is wrong.

I went to the OB/GYN today...

And they confirmed that I'm definitely pregnant! :) They figured that since my last period was October 20th, I'm 7.5 weeks along (so they're going by the same calculations that babycenter is going by).

I'm going tomorrow for my first ultrasound... it's a dating/viability ultrasound. So we're hoping to hear the heartbeat!! More on the different kinds of ultrasounds: Click here.

I hope my little blueberry is doing well... the doctor said that the possibility of early miscarriage is 50 - 70% (OMG!), but once they get the heartbeat and it's going at a normal rhythm, the possibility goes down to 5%. So I'm a little nervous... but very excited nonetheless!

I'm going to help with the installation of the Smithsonian exhibit Key Ingredients today and tomorrow, but I'm not going to lift anything heavy.

I felt like a total douche yesterday - my mom and I went to the store to buy picture frames (her gift to my in-laws - my dad's prints in picture frames) and we bought a HUGE sack of bird seed. Well when the clerk gave it back to us, he handed it to me... and my mom rushes over and grabs it. I looked like an ass, letting my mom carry the heavy stuff. I guess that's the problem with not showing just yet. My mom did say, "She can't lift that, she's pregnant," but the guy didn't seem to hear and just looked at me with a disapproving look, lol.

Ah well.

Pregnant belly-dancing!

So I think I'm going to start belly-dancing for exercise... I've read articles that it's not only safe for pregnant women to do it, but it also helps train the right muscles for labour. I've started doing the instructional videos I've found on YouTube... here's the first of four videos. I found that my arms and obliques are pretty sore afterwards (but it did not stretch my abdominals too much)... I guess I don't really work them too much regularly!

I'm not doing the yoga anymore until I can get a pregnant yoga DVD. On Babycenter.com, they talk about how some moves are not good for pregnant women to do (ones that stretch the abdominals too much), and I've found that MOST of them are in the DVD I do now! So I'm waiting until I can get a good DVD especially designed for pregnancy.

And BTW - I've found that I'm a LOT less bloated in the morning than I am at night. I think it's the damn caffeine-free diet Pepsi bloating me up with its carbonation. So I'm trying to drink less of it, and switch to water. Stupid water, with its lack of carbonation and flavour.

Soooo bloated

Mood: 4
Cranky, tired, uncomfortable

And ready to go back to bed... except I have Acorn Hall today at 3:00, so I may just nap. God, I'm SOOOO tired all the time. It's pretty ridiculous, lol. I'll sleep for 10 hours (with only a couple of trips to the potty) and I'll STILL be tired.

And I'm bloated. My pants are so tight on me and I really haven't been eating much more than usual (about 1600 - 1700 calories a day, since I need to eat an extra 300 a day in the first trimester). It's not the baby bump yet, so I'm assuming it's bloat since it's all over my body.

Other than that, I'm doing well! lol
No, but it's all completely worth it... and I can't wait until my little blueberry gets bigger! :D

7 weeks / 5 weeks...

It's been 7 weeks from my last period (that's how Babycenter.com figures out how pregnant you are - so I'd be 7 weeks on their schedule, and 5 weeks from actual conception), and here is what's going on, according to their website:

See the big picture

How your baby's growing:

The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.

If you could see inside your womb, you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in your baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.

---

OMG! It's beginning to look kind of human, lol. I'm getting more and more excited!

Chloe's a nutjob.

But aren't we all?

But seriously, she's been freaking out almost ALL the time... growling at everyone (cats and humans included), hissing, running around like a paranoid person. It's kind of scary. We're taking her to the vet and see if she needs to be put on some mood-altering medication for it... Diane and David's (they're my "aunt" and "uncle") dog had to be put on puppy Prozac because he was a VERY stressed out, nervous dog that sometimes bit... and it helped him a lot. I hope something like that helps Chloe, because this is hard on her, and hard on the other cats.

I can't paint...

At least not right now.

Although latex paint is considered safe for use by pregnant women, the smell almost made me vomit last night. I've done a LOT of painting in my lifetime and it never smelled like this - it was like strong turpentine to me. I guess it's me though, because Jon didn't find it smelly at all. Ugh. Guess he'll be painting the room - I was so looking forward to it too, I love painting. For the part I DID paint, it looked fabulous though... it's a bright and cheery yellowish green, and we're doing chocolate brown trim. It's going to look a lot nicer in there, I think.

I've had some cramping and it's made me very worried. It happens at night for about an hour (for the last 3 nights) and I've been so worried about a miscarriage - but there has been no blood at all. I told my psychiatrist today and she told me that cramping can be normal, because the uterus is stretching, even now. And that stress will only make things worse... which is true, but it's so hard for me not to stress when the cramps come. I think I'll feel better once I talk to Dr. Fernandez (the OB/GYN I'll be seeing on the 11th).

Mood: 5
Excited, a little worried, snuggly

I don't feel like eating.

Nothing appeals to me. Okay, a big fat sauce-less pizza or something sweet would go over really well right now, but nothing we have in the kitchen appeals to me, lol. I keep slowly sipping Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi to keep the nausea away. It seems to be working so far.

Today I'm painting the room we now call the "den" upstairs - it'll be the nursery when the time comes. I'm painting it a soft yellowish green... it's very pretty :) Then we're painting our bedroom a light blue of some sort. I hate stark white walls... I need some colour in this place!

First I have to vacuum though, since I don't want cat hair mixing with the paint. I hate vacuuming, it always makes me cough like crazy. Maybe that means we don't vacuum often enough! lol

We haven't told Jon's family yet... but we're hoping to see them tonight or tomorrow, and tell them then. I really want to keep them in the loop as much as possible and as quickly as possible, so that they feel included.

According to 3 at-home tests....

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

I'm so so so happy... and it feels so surreal.

When I took it before, it was a couple of days before my period and came back negative,
but I took it yesterday because I've missed by period by a few days. And it's positive!

I'm getting it confirmed on the 11th, with a blood test.

(they're 99% accurate, right? And 3 of them?
Still... I hope the blood test comes back +)