Saturday, November 29, 2008
I think the yoga is starting to work a little... my obliques and calves are getting more toned, and the muscles in my upper arms are getting a little more defined. Cool.
Antsy (to go to NYC today), achy, not hungover at all! lol
I have nothing else to say today. Goodbye!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
And MAN am I full... I didn't go back for seconds, but I'm still full!
Jon cried a little when he got home... he was so happy to spend the holiday with his family, and to have his family be on his side this time... it meant everything to him.
I'm so thankful for my family... new and old.
And of course I feel royally fat today in my skirt... it's the only skirt I have and it doesn't hide my hips at alllll. Major yoga and walking tonight... and walking in NYC tomorrow... and hiking on Saturday. And no more low-carb ice cream... empty calories.
Oh, and I have a major pimple from being off the pill...
A great start to Thanksgiving! I'll post tonight and talk about how it went.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Achy, tired, cold... but otherwise in an okay mood
Ugh, I feel soooo tired (even after sleeping fine last night) and achy. I hope I'm not getting what's going around at Acorn Hall - people have been in and out for WEEKS fighting this thing off. That's why I took today off to rest and sleep as much as possible. The furbabies are keeping me company. :)
I keep getting nauseous whenever I eat something. I won't be nauseous before I eat or during, but about 10 - 15 minutes afterward (whether it's cereal, meat, yogurt, fruit, whatever), I'm nauseous. It sort of comes in waves. Blarghies. I'm not pregnant though - test came up negative.
So anyway.... some random facts:
My new fav scent is chocolate + patchouli, or Pink Sugar + patchouli. Yumyum.
Bobo is sitting on the very back of my chair, looking down at me. I think he's plotting to kill me. Is your cat plotting to kill YOU? Take the test!
I love "no sugar added" slow churned Butter Pecan ice cream (from Edy's)... drooooool.
I'm thinking that jelly beans on a cheesecake would be good.
I'm trying to give up Diet Coke/Pepsi. It's really hard, but I'm down to one can every two days. Soon it'll be nothing... nada. Oh boy. This is hard stuff here... I'm horribly addicted. I love the taste and how it quenches my thirst so perfectly.
Dear Diet Pepsi: Leave me alone... stop giving me these horrible headaches when I'm not indulging in you, you bastard. I've had it with you... I'm never going to sip your deliciousness again. ... ... ... ... ... Darling, please, I didn't mean it!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Taking a DEEP breath and letting it out slowly
Going for a hike
Drinking hot cocoa (with marshmallows)
Making a list of everything I need to do
Taking a hot bath
Smelling beautiful, relaxing fragrances
Going for a car ride and listening to music
What things do you do to help relieve stress?
Sore (from yoga), bored, sarcastic
Today we're raking leaves... oh joy. I'm taking a break now, but will get back to it after blogging. According to caloriesperhour.com, I burned 230 calories so far. Not bad. My arms already hurt from yoga because they're very weak and yoga is REALLY working them out... but if I do another 45 minutes or so, maybe I'll burn off last night's dinner at Cafe Metro.
My breasts hurt... a LOT. My mom said, "Maybe you're pregnant!!" (She's excited to possibly become a gramma). I'm not letting myself get excited until a test comes out positive. I'm hoping it does, but if I've learned one thing in life, it's this - and it applies to a lot of things:
Hope for the best, prepare yourself for the worst.
Sounds kind of pessimistic, but if something super happens, it'll be awesome. If it doesn't happen, you're ready to deal with it. That's how I feel about our fertility - if we don't end up getting pregnant after a while (we're just now starting to try, so this is just a "what if"), we'll deal with it.
I know it's not popular at all, but there is nothing like petroleum jelly for your cracked elbows. I've tried shea butter, cocoa butter, handmade lotions, store-bought lotions... they all work well for other body parts (except the store bought lotions - give me TheGardenBath's body butter any day), but when something is so dry that it's cracking... or if I have chafing, I have to resort to the Vaseline. And you know what? I'm not embarrassed to say it. You do what you have to do.
Jon's coming with me tomorrow (Sunday) to help me reorganize the art closet at Acorn Hall (where MCHS is located). It's going to be a long job, but fun - we'll be finding art I've never seen before. And I get to share it with him. How romantic - surrounded by dustiness and mustiness.
I'm in fine form today, lol. Raking leaves will do that to a girl.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I've been up all night listening to him cry and scratch at the bathroom door. I may call in at MCHS and ask to come in the afternoon so I can get more rest.
I'm sorry I was SO freaked out last night... we knew a cat (we pet-sat him) who died right in front of us... and the autopsy said that he had urinary blockage. So that's all that was in my mind last night. But since his bladder was mostly empty before, and he's been able to pee a little since then, I think he'll be okay with the antibiotics. But the vet said to take him to the ER vet immediately if he's showing signs of straining with no pee to show for it.
In he went to the emergency vet (our second time there in a week - first with Bobo)... like IMMEDIATELY.
So the ER vet comes out after spending some time with him, and says: "Your cat isn't normal."
"Your cat has the smallest penis I've ever seen on a cat. I couldn't find it at first. But it's there. We just couldn't extrude any urine from it. From the ultrasound we did, his bladder is empty and very small... but if he doesn't pee by tomorrow morning, take him to your regular vet tomorrow."
She gave us antibiotics and was very nice (besides saying our cat has a tiny dick, lol).
So we're calling first thing in the morning to make a tentative appointment if he hasn't peed yet. Actually, even if he does pee, I think we'll still take him in, just to see what's happening.
Oh, my baby Beans... I love that cat so frigging much. He's our cuddle monkey.
We're keeping him in the bathroom with his very own litterbox, so that we know if he's peed. We've made it comfortable, with beds and his fav blankie. I hope it's cozy enough for him
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The two of us started practicing our own "group therapy" (because the therapy there sucked) and took turns asking each other questions. When we got to the topic of her trying to run over her husband, I asked if she was frequently angry with him.
"No," she replied. "I love him a lot."
I looked at her quizzically.
"It just grabbed me sometimes.. and wouldn't let me go."
I knew exactly what "it" was.
The rage has been gone for 9 months now, but I still feel its effects.
When I get angry (for an actual reason this time), Jon's expression brings me back to when I did nothing but yell at him, and even at the time, I didn't know why I was so angry.
He tries to not let it show, but he's not a very good actor.
I've always loved him, but sometimes it grabbed me too.
That's why I take my medicine religiously. I miss the feelings of elation... I miss the productivity... I miss the not needing so much sleep... but if I'm (and my marriage) is not safe from the rage, none of it really matters.
Down goes the pill and I'm safe from it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I tried a "The Firm: Power Yoga" video... Jon and I both did it. I didn't realize yoga was so hard, but I sucked it up and did the non-beginner moves for the most part (and was proud of myself for doing so). I ended up feeling really loose in my back, but my arms and wrists hurt because I'm not used to working them out at all... they're seriously weak. I hope that this helps.
I'm trying a lot of new things lately. Cool.
1. I'm becoming the "art closet" expert (that's what the curator said)... I'm one of the only ones there really fascinated by the art in that closet, so I'm spending a LOT of time in there. I find new things all the time.
2. There are 55 Japanese woodblock prints that we're going to sell before January (that's when the gallery's director goes to Japan).... those prints have been my project for a couple of months now, so I'm very excited that some will generate some $$ for the other works to be restored, and some will be in the March 2009 exhibit, "Out of the Closet: An Art Collection Revealed."
3. I found a new engraving today and did some research on it... it's "Anne Page and Slender: A Scene From 'The Merry Wives of Windsor'"... I love finding engravings that have a cool back-story. Like another one, "The Poet and the Players: A Scene From Gil Blas" or "Paris and Oenone." Stuff I can really do some reading on.
4. I'm working on condition reports... basically, photographing the works, printing them out, and drawing spots, soil, mold, etc. on the photograph - in places it corresponds to the actual work. This will help us determine how much money it will cost to restore each one (and what will be worth the money to restore).
5. I'm working on an online catalog that will be a partner to the painting/print exhibit in March 2009... I was actually working on it as an online exhibit and then the curator said that she was inspired by me and she wanted to make it a real-live exhibit! You have no idea how much that meant to me.
6. I'm doing research for the plaques, which will come from my catalog work.
I hope I'm up to this! :)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Jon hadn't talked to his family in 3 years... he missed his grandpa, but in his family, when someone doesn't talk to one person, the rest of the family doesn't talk to them. I won't go into the reasons why he didn't talk to them... just that a few months ago, he started talking to his parents again, but hadn't seen his grandpa until now - he had talked to him over the phone though.
Jon is feeling a lot of guilt about not having seen his grandpa until now, but he also feels relieved that he started talking to his family before all of this happened.
I feel so badly for Jon, and this also brings back bad memories of my dad dying in his quadruple bypass surgery 4 years ago.
Please let Jon's grandfather do well in his surgery... he won't be coming home for Thanksgiving, but maybe we can bring a little Thanksgiving cheer to him.
I think I want my meat to be "physically processed" - you know, in the farm of patties and burgers. So I don't have to look at a chicken breast and think, "M-E-A-T." I'm sure I'll be okay with it later, but right now, it's too much for me.
Bouncy, restless, bored
I hate the fact that it gets dark by 5 pm here now... I want to hike up the road every day, but Jon gets home at 5 and we like hiking together so that doesn't work. So we're doing BIIIIIIG hikes on the weekends... like 2.5 - 3.5 hour hikes with huge uphills... sometimes 1000 feet! The bigger the climb, the smaller my behind. Or something stupid like that, lol.
I want to go out and DO something. I get like this when I'm a 6 or 7 on the mood scale (but I'm nowhere near a 10 - nowhere near it). I want to DO something fun... I feel restless. I hate watching TV because I watched it all day every day for a MONTHS when I was seriously depressed. So now I associate it with depression, and I just can't watch it anymore.
So I go to the Morris County Historic Society (my internship), take a nap, go on the computer, go for a walk, etc. during the day. I'm planning on applying to Christie's auction house in NYC for a full-time paid internship for next summer. I'm pretty sure I'm too late for the spring semester part-time internship. Then I hope to intern at the Met... I want to try *everything* before I'm done with graduate school so that I know what I'll want to do.
If I got accepted to intern at the Met, I think I'd pee myself.
Monday, November 17, 2008
I could only eat 1 tenderloin... I wrapped the other one up because I am NOT going to waste meat... that would make me feel even worse than I already do.
Somehow I have to get the image of slaughtered animals out of my head.
I'm doing it for my health. I'm doing it for my health.
I'm doing it for my future baby's health, when I get pregnant.
I need to remember that.
This blog is becoming more and more about my straying from vegetarianism, and less about bipolar. So here's a link to a study about women staying on their meds/going off their meds during pregnancy, and relapses.
I don't feel 100% comfortable about stating which I'll be doing (because it's a very controversial subject), but I believe I'm making the right decision for me and the baby.
Thoughtful, apprehensive (to eat chicken for lunch, lol), lazy
Do you have any items that you can't leave the house without? Be it jewelry, a hat, etc.?
For me, it's my lip gloss.
Laugh if you will... but I have very chapped lips and only this particular lip gloss (N.Y.C. brand) helps them. And when I don't have it, I feel like my lips hurt really really badly... probably psychological, but that's the way it feels.
When I was going into the hospital, I kept asking, "Will I get to keep my lip gloss?"
And it turned out that that hospital was very lax about these things and I kept it.
When I used it on my lips and smelled that fake strawberry smell, it felt like home.
So why do I keep losing the damn thing?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Looking at the meats made me a little sick, but I guess that will pass. I hope it passes soon... until then, Jon's doing the cooking (lol).
Grossed out, sleepy, hopeful
I'm asking for things from Etsy for Christmas from my in-laws... wanna see?
scood in white
marshmallow and chocolate cake lip butters
I'm such a little diva!
Edited to add:
I ate it... I ate the Indian chicken dish. The texture was weird for me (tougher than Quorn cutlets and other veggie alternatives), but I liked it. Is that bad, that I liked it?
I saw turkey kielbasa in Trader Joe's... I've really missed kielbasa. I may get that...
I'll tell you one thing; my cats will be ALL over us at mealtimes.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
1. I've been feeling run-down for a while and it turns out I'm anemic. I don't get the iron I should and even an iron supplement didn't seem to be doing it
2. I'm on my way to diabetes... the med I take (Abilify) ups my blood sugar... not quite as bad as the Rispardal I took before, but it's bad enough. So I want to do a lower carb diet, and unfortunately, with some vegetarian protein sources being carb-heavy, this means lowering my protein too. I don't want to be diabetic, so I need a protein-rich, lower carb diet.... and my current diet isn't doing it.
3. The protein-rich foods I am eating don't seem to be doing enough... my hair is falling out again (you can't really tell, but it comes out bad in the shower). That's a sign something's wrong.
4. I'm afraid to be feeling this way AND pregnant.
So we're slowly introducing chicken, turkey, and fish (no red meat) back into our diets. First with chicken broth, then with soups with those things in it, then the real deal. We're also going to do free-range as much as we possibly can.
I had to weigh health vs. my feelings about animals. I'm sure many vegetarians are healthy, but I'm not. I was worse off when I was vegan, but things haven't gotten much better since I went back to ovo-lacto.
I hate myself.
Achy, silly, loved
We both took showers and now the upstairs is hot.
I remember when I got manic, I always felt hot. Even when it was winter and the A/C was on... I just felt so fucking warm and it made me irritable. I just kept saying to Jon, "Make it cooler. Just make it goddamn cooler in here. How do you not feel hot?" I was such an ass.
Now I feel warm when it's actually warm and cold when it's actually cold. I guess it's almost like the temperature you feel you're at coincides with your mood. Or something.
I was thinking today about the fact that the "Flight of the Bumblebees" was my song went I was manic. But what about when I was depressed? Without thinking too hard about it, I immediately think of "Around Here" by the Counting Crows. Just the sound of the song sounds like me when I'm depressed. Here's the music video on YouTube.
What songs sound like you when you're either manic or depressed?
You can answer anonymously if you wish.
Today we spent the day in bed, napping, acting goofy, and cuddling.
Jon: It's going to take forever if we go into the city tonight. We have to drive to the PATH, drive the PATH...
Me: Drive the PATH???
Jon: Change the tires on the bus, drive the bus, break into the Met...
Me: Create an exhibit, cook the food in the cafeteria...
We're so weird. And on the same weird-ass page.
I love it.
Friday, November 14, 2008
The "Highs" of Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms of Mania
- Increased physical and mental activity and energy
- Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
- Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
- Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
- Grandiose thoughts, inflated sense of self-importance
- Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas
- Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility
- Reckless behavior
- In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations
The "Lows" of Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms of Depression
- Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
- Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
- Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
- Pessimism, indifference
- Loss of energy, persistent lethargy
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
- Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
- Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal
- Unexplained aches and pains
- Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
What does it mean to me?
When I'm manic, my thoughts race. I get surges of creativity, and I think that I can create anything I set my mind to (even if it's impractical). I talk faster and have trouble sitting still. I drink a TON of caffeine, because I "need to get things done" and feel like caffeine is my best friend in that respect. I want to do everything imaginable. I get super irritable with those who are closest to me. I feel like people are out to stop me from doing the things I want to do (trying to "pull me down"). I have feelings of paranoia. I sleep for only 3 - 5 hours and I feel fine. My relationship with my husband and family suffers.
When I'm depressed, I don't take care of myself. I don't want to get out of bed, take care of my personal hygiene, etc. I have had (rarely) suicidal thoughts. I don't want to do anything. I feel worthless. I feel nervous to go outside and see people because I feel socially inept. I'm tired a lot. My body aches. My thinking is fuzzy. My confidence and feelings of self-worth suffer.
In other words, it's the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. With bipolar, it's hard to find a middle ground... you feel the emotions that other people do (anger, sadness, feeling great, etc.), but they're highly exaggerated.
The classifications of bipolar disorder (from DBSA):
Bipolar I Disorder
Bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes (symptoms of both a mania and a depression occurring nearly every day for at least one week) and one or more major depressive episodes. Bipolar I disorder is the most severe form of the illness marked by extreme manic episodes.
Bipolar II Disorder
While bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes and one or more major depressive episodes; bipolar II disorder is diagnosed after one or more major depressive episodes and at least one episode of hypomania, with possible periods of level mood between episodes.
The highs in bipolar II, called hypomanias, are not as high as those in bipolar I (manias). Bipolar II disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as major depression if hypomanic episodes go unrecognized or unreported.
What is the difference between bipolar disorder and ordinary mood swings?
The three main things that make bipolar disorder different from ordinary mood swings are:
Intensity: Mood swings that come with bipolar disorder are usually more severe than ordinary mood swings.
Length: A bad mood is usually gone in a few days but mania or depression can last weeks or months. With rapid cycling, moods last a short time but change quickly from one extreme to another. With rapid cycling, “level” (euthymic) moods do not last long.
Interference with life: The extremes in mood that come with bipolar disorder can severely disrupt your life. For example, depression can make a person unable to get out of bed or go to work or mania can cause a person to go for days without sleep.
If this is seeming all too familiar, be sure to contact your family doctor, a psychologist, or psychiatrist immediately. You don't have to continue living like this.
"From 1 - 10, what is your mood?" (1 being horribly depressed, 10 being super manic, and 5 being "normal")
And "List 3 things that describe your mood today."
So I'm going to start doing that on this blog, with the start of each post.
Relieved (that Bobo is doing better), Nervous & Hopeful (sent my resume to the Met for a Membership Services job)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Blue topaz is my birthstone... I love how it's a solitare here. I'm asking for this one for my birthday!
I love the concept of stacking rings, especially when they come in different colours. The colours here are so classically beautiful.
My wedding ring has spirals all over it so I'm kind of partial to spirals. I love how the spiral here is the centerpiece of the ring.
Check out all of dillondesigns' rings... how creative are they??? I have way too many favs to even list.
He had a HUGE lump on the side of his neck... he didn't have it in morning, but when I saw him last night, it was there.
So we went to the emergency vet since it was after hours.
Turns out he was running a fever and it was an abscess. They took x-rays and there were no foreign objects. They gave him antibiotics and he may have to have a drain put in when we see our normal vet on Friday.
Poor little booger :(
Also, I have a mental health link that my repro psych gave to me:
Women's Mental Health Network
Check it out! :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
If you're bipolar, you'll know why.
I was diagnosed after being hospitalized this past February (2008). I'd really been showing symptoms of mania since 2005, and things got really bad (mixed states at times) in summer 2007 - spring 2008. I won't go into details about what preceded the hospitalization - I don't really like to go back to that point. But I am very grateful I found the help that I needed... at first, my meds weren't right, but now they are. I feel like I did before 2005, which is a great feeling.
When I was in an out-patient program, another BPer said that he felt like his brain was doing a dance to the Flight of the Bumblebees when he was manic. That stuck with me, and that's why I named this blog that.
I'm doing really well now... I have a kick-ass museum/historical society internship and I'm looking forward to going to grad school in art history (I'm between undergrad and grad right now). My internship gives me a ton of autonomy and amazing experiences to put on my resume.
My husband Jon and I are also planning on starting a family soon. I've talked to two reproductive psychiatrists and my own psychiatrist and we have a plan for the pregnancy.
What else should you know about me?
1. I'm a Classics freak... point me towards the Greek/Roman stuff and I'll be there all day
2. I absolutely love blue topaz (it's my birth stone)
3. I make cold-process soap (check out my other blog - I'm bad with updating it though)
4. I have a soap business on Etsy ( My Soap Store )
5. I have 4 cats - Chloe, Nino (the Bean), Owen (Bobo), and Romulus (Rommy)
6. We live with my mom and she has 3 cats - Midnight, Oliver, and Kacie
7. My husband Jon is a chemist and works for a fragrance oil company (free samples!)
8. I'm a vegetarian and have been so for almost 5 years
9. I plan on raising my children vegetarian
10. I'm a huge supporter of adoption, and plan to adopt one day
11. I want to work at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (NYC) one day
12. I want an internship with Christie's auction house (NYC) before grad school
13. I make wine and beer at home with Jon
14. I love swapping bath & body products and pampering myself with the goodies I get
15. I'm a huge Obama supporter
16. I don't drive for medical reasons
17. I have abnormally low blood pressure and it makes me dizzy at times (I was hospitalized for it in 2001)
18. I love peanut butter... it's my weakness (even more than chocolate)
19. I've been to England, Ireland, Scotland, and France, but never to Canada or Mexico
20. I love to make "pop" graphics on the computer
21. I love to go hiking with my husband
22. I used to be a diet Coke addict, but I'm only drinking one a day now
23. I've gained 30 pounds on my previous medication and still haven't gotten it off
24. I'm 24 years old, turning 25 in December
There's definitely more... but those are some of the things I see me talking about more in-depth later, so I just thought I'd put that out there.
What is this blog for?
This blog is for my day-to-day ramblings about different topics I find important or at least vaguely interesting, as well as links to articles on different subjects. It may include politics, art, bath and body, animals, the environment, food recipes, hiking tips, bipolar topics, and personal stuff happening in my life.
Check back often for more! :)