Thursday, November 20, 2008

"It grabbed me sometimes..."

When I was in the hospital (in-patient program), I befriended a woman who was in there because she had tried to run her husband over. When you think about how that sounds, you think how horrible she must be... but, medicated, she was quiet and as sweet as they come.

The two of us started practicing our own "group therapy" (because the therapy there sucked) and took turns asking each other questions. When we got to the topic of her trying to run over her husband, I asked if she was frequently angry with him.

"No," she replied. "I love him a lot."
I looked at her quizzically.
"It just grabbed me sometimes.. and wouldn't let me go."
I knew exactly what "it" was.

The rage has been gone for 9 months now, but I still feel its effects.
When I get angry (for an actual reason this time), Jon's expression brings me back to when I did nothing but yell at him, and even at the time, I didn't know why I was so angry.
He tries to not let it show, but he's not a very good actor.

I've always loved him, but sometimes it grabbed me too.

That's why I take my medicine religiously. I miss the feelings of elation... I miss the productivity... I miss the not needing so much sleep... but if I'm (and my marriage) is not safe from the rage, none of it really matters.

Down goes the pill and I'm safe from it.

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