Miscarriage

I lost the baby on Christmas night.

I bled and felt cramps all day, and went to the ER when the bleeding got worse. The hormone levels were really low and the ultrasound confirmed it.

I'm still in a lot of physical pain, but my heart hurts even worse.

So frustrated.

And now they're saying I'm 7 weeks along. Which is it, people??

And my OB/GYN said I need an ultrasound late next week.
The office staff said to make it early next week.
And the imaging place said to make it no earlier than the 31st.

Ugh.

Oh, and my OB/GYN keeps going on and on about the statistics of miscarriage. And it's really freaking me out... I would think saying it ONCE would be sufficient. I feel like he's trying to reassure me, and nothing has even happened yet!

Maybe it's the hormones, but I had myself a good cry last night.

Earlier than we thought!

On Monday, my HGC levels were at 3000 - and the woman on the phone said that I'm so early along, things are not doubling yet. She said it sounds like I'm about 5 weeks along NOW (and that means 3 weeks since conception)... wow! I wonder how in the world my levels showed up on a home pregnancy test only 1 week after conception!!

GOOD news!

REALLY good news!

My HGC levels were at 1800 on Friday! On Friday, the radiologist said that we should hope for numbers at or below 3000. So the dating was DEFINITELY wrong before!!!!!!!!! I'm going back for another blood test today, to check and see how things are developing in terms of my HGC levels - it's supposed to double or x1.5 every other day. I'm going to see my OB/GYN on Thursday, so hopefully by then, we'll know when my real due date is, and how far along I am.

Not good... OMG...

Not good... but not sure... I've either got my dates ALL wrong and it's a much earlier pregnancy than my doctor thought, or something is wrong with the baby... it's not the right size at all. The radiologist said he's worried it's a partial miscarriage. I got bloodwork taken immediately afterwards and I'm HOPING it comes back tomorrow. It'll tell us whether the hormone is low (= earlier pregnancy, which is a good thing) or it's high (= later pregnancy, but something is wrong).

Here's the problem with the dates:

I had a period starting on Oct 20
I stopped my pill on Oct 30
I had a "period" (bleeding) from Nov 1 - 3
I took a HPT (home preg test) on Nov 27 - nothing
I took a HPT on Dec. 1 - very faint line (this happened with 3 of them)
I took a HPT on Dec 5 - first dark line I got

So the doctor was assuming that my real period was Oct 20, not Nov 1. But that may be wrong... and off the pill, I may be having a longer cycle (not 28 days - years ago, before I was on the pill, I had really weird cycles)... so I don't know. That may explain why it's so small... it may just be really early still. This is what my MIL (who works in radiology in a hospital) thinks, that the dates are wrong.

But hearing the doctor say, "I think you may have had a partial miscarriage." and "I guess it's possible that it's still going to be okay" was extremely upsetting. I'm trying to stay positive, but I keep worrying about the possibility that something is wrong.

I went to the OB/GYN today...

And they confirmed that I'm definitely pregnant! :) They figured that since my last period was October 20th, I'm 7.5 weeks along (so they're going by the same calculations that babycenter is going by).

I'm going tomorrow for my first ultrasound... it's a dating/viability ultrasound. So we're hoping to hear the heartbeat!! More on the different kinds of ultrasounds: Click here.

I hope my little blueberry is doing well... the doctor said that the possibility of early miscarriage is 50 - 70% (OMG!), but once they get the heartbeat and it's going at a normal rhythm, the possibility goes down to 5%. So I'm a little nervous... but very excited nonetheless!

I'm going to help with the installation of the Smithsonian exhibit Key Ingredients today and tomorrow, but I'm not going to lift anything heavy.

I felt like a total douche yesterday - my mom and I went to the store to buy picture frames (her gift to my in-laws - my dad's prints in picture frames) and we bought a HUGE sack of bird seed. Well when the clerk gave it back to us, he handed it to me... and my mom rushes over and grabs it. I looked like an ass, letting my mom carry the heavy stuff. I guess that's the problem with not showing just yet. My mom did say, "She can't lift that, she's pregnant," but the guy didn't seem to hear and just looked at me with a disapproving look, lol.

Ah well.

Pregnant belly-dancing!

So I think I'm going to start belly-dancing for exercise... I've read articles that it's not only safe for pregnant women to do it, but it also helps train the right muscles for labour. I've started doing the instructional videos I've found on YouTube... here's the first of four videos. I found that my arms and obliques are pretty sore afterwards (but it did not stretch my abdominals too much)... I guess I don't really work them too much regularly!

I'm not doing the yoga anymore until I can get a pregnant yoga DVD. On Babycenter.com, they talk about how some moves are not good for pregnant women to do (ones that stretch the abdominals too much), and I've found that MOST of them are in the DVD I do now! So I'm waiting until I can get a good DVD especially designed for pregnancy.

And BTW - I've found that I'm a LOT less bloated in the morning than I am at night. I think it's the damn caffeine-free diet Pepsi bloating me up with its carbonation. So I'm trying to drink less of it, and switch to water. Stupid water, with its lack of carbonation and flavour.

Soooo bloated

Mood: 4
Cranky, tired, uncomfortable

And ready to go back to bed... except I have Acorn Hall today at 3:00, so I may just nap. God, I'm SOOOO tired all the time. It's pretty ridiculous, lol. I'll sleep for 10 hours (with only a couple of trips to the potty) and I'll STILL be tired.

And I'm bloated. My pants are so tight on me and I really haven't been eating much more than usual (about 1600 - 1700 calories a day, since I need to eat an extra 300 a day in the first trimester). It's not the baby bump yet, so I'm assuming it's bloat since it's all over my body.

Other than that, I'm doing well! lol
No, but it's all completely worth it... and I can't wait until my little blueberry gets bigger! :D

7 weeks / 5 weeks...

It's been 7 weeks from my last period (that's how Babycenter.com figures out how pregnant you are - so I'd be 7 weeks on their schedule, and 5 weeks from actual conception), and here is what's going on, according to their website:

See the big picture

How your baby's growing:

The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.

If you could see inside your womb, you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in your baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.

---

OMG! It's beginning to look kind of human, lol. I'm getting more and more excited!

Chloe's a nutjob.

But aren't we all?

But seriously, she's been freaking out almost ALL the time... growling at everyone (cats and humans included), hissing, running around like a paranoid person. It's kind of scary. We're taking her to the vet and see if she needs to be put on some mood-altering medication for it... Diane and David's (they're my "aunt" and "uncle") dog had to be put on puppy Prozac because he was a VERY stressed out, nervous dog that sometimes bit... and it helped him a lot. I hope something like that helps Chloe, because this is hard on her, and hard on the other cats.

I can't paint...

At least not right now.

Although latex paint is considered safe for use by pregnant women, the smell almost made me vomit last night. I've done a LOT of painting in my lifetime and it never smelled like this - it was like strong turpentine to me. I guess it's me though, because Jon didn't find it smelly at all. Ugh. Guess he'll be painting the room - I was so looking forward to it too, I love painting. For the part I DID paint, it looked fabulous though... it's a bright and cheery yellowish green, and we're doing chocolate brown trim. It's going to look a lot nicer in there, I think.

I've had some cramping and it's made me very worried. It happens at night for about an hour (for the last 3 nights) and I've been so worried about a miscarriage - but there has been no blood at all. I told my psychiatrist today and she told me that cramping can be normal, because the uterus is stretching, even now. And that stress will only make things worse... which is true, but it's so hard for me not to stress when the cramps come. I think I'll feel better once I talk to Dr. Fernandez (the OB/GYN I'll be seeing on the 11th).

Mood: 5
Excited, a little worried, snuggly

I don't feel like eating.

Nothing appeals to me. Okay, a big fat sauce-less pizza or something sweet would go over really well right now, but nothing we have in the kitchen appeals to me, lol. I keep slowly sipping Caffeine-free Diet Pepsi to keep the nausea away. It seems to be working so far.

Today I'm painting the room we now call the "den" upstairs - it'll be the nursery when the time comes. I'm painting it a soft yellowish green... it's very pretty :) Then we're painting our bedroom a light blue of some sort. I hate stark white walls... I need some colour in this place!

First I have to vacuum though, since I don't want cat hair mixing with the paint. I hate vacuuming, it always makes me cough like crazy. Maybe that means we don't vacuum often enough! lol

We haven't told Jon's family yet... but we're hoping to see them tonight or tomorrow, and tell them then. I really want to keep them in the loop as much as possible and as quickly as possible, so that they feel included.

According to 3 at-home tests....

I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

I'm so so so happy... and it feels so surreal.

When I took it before, it was a couple of days before my period and came back negative,
but I took it yesterday because I've missed by period by a few days. And it's positive!

I'm getting it confirmed on the 11th, with a blood test.

(they're 99% accurate, right? And 3 of them?
Still... I hope the blood test comes back +)

Snuggly...

is what my Bobo is. :) There is NOTHING like a snuggly cat on a cold winter (or rather autumn) day. I wish Beans would stop yelling at him for no reason... I guess he's jealous. What he doesn't understand is that his behaviour is most unattractive and makes people not want to cuddle him when he does things like that.

I think the yoga is starting to work a little... my obliques and calves are getting more toned, and the muscles in my upper arms are getting a little more defined. Cool.

Mood: 5
Antsy (to go to NYC today), achy, not hungover at all! lol

I have nothing else to say today. Goodbye!

I had the best Thanksgiving...

I'm kind of fuzzed.... but I had an AWESOME Thanksgiving. Everyone was so funny and nice, and it was wonderful having a big family for the holidays! :)

And MAN am I full... I didn't go back for seconds, but I'm still full!

Jon cried a little when he got home... he was so happy to spend the holiday with his family, and to have his family be on his side this time... it meant everything to him.

I'm so thankful for my family... new and old.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We're going to my in-laws' house for Thanksgiving today. I'm nervous... this is the first Thanksgiving I've ever spent with them (this year Jon started talking to his family again after being estranged from them since 2005). I've spent time with his parents, but have not yet met his aunt... I know she had a huge problem with me before (despite never meeting me) - or rather the IDEA of me - so I'm worried she won't like me today. Ugh.

And of course I feel royally fat today in my skirt... it's the only skirt I have and it doesn't hide my hips at alllll. Major yoga and walking tonight... and walking in NYC tomorrow... and hiking on Saturday. And no more low-carb ice cream... empty calories.

Oh, and I have a major pimple from being off the pill...

A great start to Thanksgiving! I'll post tonight and talk about how it went.

Fighting something off - hiiiiyah!

Mood: 5
Achy, tired, cold... but otherwise in an okay mood

Ugh, I feel soooo tired (even after sleeping fine last night) and achy. I hope I'm not getting what's going around at Acorn Hall - people have been in and out for WEEKS fighting this thing off. That's why I took today off to rest and sleep as much as possible. The furbabies are keeping me company. :)

I keep getting nauseous whenever I eat something. I won't be nauseous before I eat or during, but about 10 - 15 minutes afterward (whether it's cereal, meat, yogurt, fruit, whatever), I'm nauseous. It sort of comes in waves. Blarghies. I'm not pregnant though - test came up negative.

So anyway.... some random facts:

My new fav scent is chocolate + patchouli, or Pink Sugar + patchouli. Yumyum.

Bobo is sitting on the very back of my chair, looking down at me. I think he's plotting to kill me. Is your cat plotting to kill YOU? Take the test!

I love "no sugar added" slow churned Butter Pecan ice cream (from Edy's)... drooooool.

I'm thinking that jelly beans on a cheesecake would be good.

I'm trying to give up Diet Coke/Pepsi. It's really hard, but I'm down to one can every two days. Soon it'll be nothing... nada. Oh boy. This is hard stuff here... I'm horribly addicted. I love the taste and how it quenches my thirst so perfectly.

Dear Diet Pepsi: Leave me alone... stop giving me these horrible headaches when I'm not indulging in you, you bastard. I've had it with you... I'm never going to sip your deliciousness again. ... ... ... ... ... Darling, please, I didn't mean it!

Listen to your mama...

My mom said this today:

"People who give unsolicited negative advice
are most likely insecure with their own decisions in life."

Probably true.

Stress relievers for me...

Petting my cats
Taking a DEEP breath and letting it out slowly
Going for a hike
Doing yoga
Drinking hot cocoa (with marshmallows)
Making a list of everything I need to do
Taking a hot bath
Smelling beautiful, relaxing fragrances
Going for a car ride and listening to music

What things do you do to help relieve stress?

Ho Hum

Mood: 5
Sore (from yoga), bored, sarcastic

Today we're raking leaves... oh joy. I'm taking a break now, but will get back to it after blogging. According to caloriesperhour.com, I burned 230 calories so far. Not bad. My arms already hurt from yoga because they're very weak and yoga is REALLY working them out... but if I do another 45 minutes or so, maybe I'll burn off last night's dinner at Cafe Metro.

My breasts hurt... a LOT. My mom said, "Maybe you're pregnant!!" (She's excited to possibly become a gramma). I'm not letting myself get excited until a test comes out positive. I'm hoping it does, but if I've learned one thing in life, it's this - and it applies to a lot of things:

Hope for the best, prepare yourself for the worst.

Sounds kind of pessimistic, but if something super happens, it'll be awesome. If it doesn't happen, you're ready to deal with it. That's how I feel about our fertility - if we don't end up getting pregnant after a while (we're just now starting to try, so this is just a "what if"), we'll deal with it.

I know it's not popular at all, but there is nothing like petroleum jelly for your cracked elbows. I've tried shea butter, cocoa butter, handmade lotions, store-bought lotions... they all work well for other body parts (except the store bought lotions - give me TheGardenBath's body butter any day), but when something is so dry that it's cracking... or if I have chafing, I have to resort to the Vaseline. And you know what? I'm not embarrassed to say it. You do what you have to do.

Jon's coming with me tomorrow (Sunday) to help me reorganize the art closet at Acorn Hall (where MCHS is located). It's going to be a long job, but fun - we'll be finding art I've never seen before. And I get to share it with him. How romantic - surrounded by dustiness and mustiness.

I'm in fine form today, lol. Raking leaves will do that to a girl.

Update: My Beans

The vet called this morning, and based on what the ER vet faxed over and what we told him about this morning, he's positive it's a UTI. Beans has been dribbling a LOT all night (the first one was with blood - we watched him - but the ones after that weren't) and peed a pretty substantial amount in the sink, without blood.

I've been up all night listening to him cry and scratch at the bathroom door. I may call in at MCHS and ask to come in the afternoon so I can get more rest.

I'm sorry I was SO freaked out last night... we knew a cat (we pet-sat him) who died right in front of us... and the autopsy said that he had urinary blockage. So that's all that was in my mind last night. But since his bladder was mostly empty before, and he's been able to pee a little since then, I think he'll be okay with the antibiotics. But the vet said to take him to the ER vet immediately if he's showing signs of straining with no pee to show for it.

My sweet baby Bean... I'm so worried

Tonight we watched as Bean went pee in the sink... he strained a lot, and out came a lot of blood, along with a teeny bit of urine.

In he went to the emergency vet (our second time there in a week - first with Bobo)... like IMMEDIATELY.

So the ER vet comes out after spending some time with him, and says: "Your cat isn't normal."
"What?"
"Your cat has the smallest penis I've ever seen on a cat. I couldn't find it at first. But it's there. We just couldn't extrude any urine from it. From the ultrasound we did, his bladder is empty and very small... but if he doesn't pee by tomorrow morning, take him to your regular vet tomorrow."

She gave us antibiotics and was very nice (besides saying our cat has a tiny dick, lol).

So we're calling first thing in the morning to make a tentative appointment if he hasn't peed yet. Actually, even if he does pee, I think we'll still take him in, just to see what's happening.

Oh, my baby Beans... I love that cat so frigging much. He's our cuddle monkey.

We're keeping him in the bathroom with his very own litterbox, so that we know if he's peed. We've made it comfortable, with beds and his fav blankie. I hope it's cozy enough for him

"It grabbed me sometimes..."

When I was in the hospital (in-patient program), I befriended a woman who was in there because she had tried to run her husband over. When you think about how that sounds, you think how horrible she must be... but, medicated, she was quiet and as sweet as they come.

The two of us started practicing our own "group therapy" (because the therapy there sucked) and took turns asking each other questions. When we got to the topic of her trying to run over her husband, I asked if she was frequently angry with him.

"No," she replied. "I love him a lot."
I looked at her quizzically.
"It just grabbed me sometimes.. and wouldn't let me go."
I knew exactly what "it" was.

The rage has been gone for 9 months now, but I still feel its effects.
When I get angry (for an actual reason this time), Jon's expression brings me back to when I did nothing but yell at him, and even at the time, I didn't know why I was so angry.
He tries to not let it show, but he's not a very good actor.

I've always loved him, but sometimes it grabbed me too.

That's why I take my medicine religiously. I miss the feelings of elation... I miss the productivity... I miss the not needing so much sleep... but if I'm (and my marriage) is not safe from the rage, none of it really matters.

Down goes the pill and I'm safe from it.

I did yoga for the first time...

and it felt really good.

I tried a "The Firm: Power Yoga" video... Jon and I both did it. I didn't realize yoga was so hard, but I sucked it up and did the non-beginner moves for the most part (and was proud of myself for doing so). I ended up feeling really loose in my back, but my arms and wrists hurt because I'm not used to working them out at all... they're seriously weak. I hope that this helps.

I'm trying a lot of new things lately. Cool.

I'm loving this internship

Why I love my internship:

1. I'm becoming the "art closet" expert (that's what the curator said)... I'm one of the only ones there really fascinated by the art in that closet, so I'm spending a LOT of time in there. I find new things all the time.

2. There are 55 Japanese woodblock prints that we're going to sell before January (that's when the gallery's director goes to Japan).... those prints have been my project for a couple of months now, so I'm very excited that some will generate some $$ for the other works to be restored, and some will be in the March 2009 exhibit, "Out of the Closet: An Art Collection Revealed."

3. I found a new engraving today and did some research on it... it's "Anne Page and Slender: A Scene From 'The Merry Wives of Windsor'"... I love finding engravings that have a cool back-story. Like another one, "The Poet and the Players: A Scene From Gil Blas" or "Paris and Oenone." Stuff I can really do some reading on.

4. I'm working on condition reports... basically, photographing the works, printing them out, and drawing spots, soil, mold, etc. on the photograph - in places it corresponds to the actual work. This will help us determine how much money it will cost to restore each one (and what will be worth the money to restore).

5. I'm working on an online catalog that will be a partner to the painting/print exhibit in March 2009... I was actually working on it as an online exhibit and then the curator said that she was inspired by me and she wanted to make it a real-live exhibit! You have no idea how much that meant to me.

6. I'm doing research for the plaques, which will come from my catalog work.

I hope I'm up to this! :)

Jon's grandfather is in the hospital.

Jon's grandpa is in the hospital, awaiting triple bypass surgery. He had a small heart attack the other day and they found out that his arteries are obstructed.

Jon hadn't talked to his family in 3 years... he missed his grandpa, but in his family, when someone doesn't talk to one person, the rest of the family doesn't talk to them. I won't go into the reasons why he didn't talk to them... just that a few months ago, he started talking to his parents again, but hadn't seen his grandpa until now - he had talked to him over the phone though.

Jon is feeling a lot of guilt about not having seen his grandpa until now, but he also feels relieved that he started talking to his family before all of this happened.

I feel so badly for Jon, and this also brings back bad memories of my dad dying in his quadruple bypass surgery 4 years ago.

Please let Jon's grandfather do well in his surgery... he won't be coming home for Thanksgiving, but maybe we can bring a little Thanksgiving cheer to him.

I ate a burger last night...

and I liked it. A lot.

I think I want my meat to be "physically processed" - you know, in the farm of patties and burgers. So I don't have to look at a chicken breast and think, "M-E-A-T." I'm sure I'll be okay with it later, but right now, it's too much for me.

Mood: 6
Bouncy, restless, bored

I hate the fact that it gets dark by 5 pm here now... I want to hike up the road every day, but Jon gets home at 5 and we like hiking together so that doesn't work. So we're doing BIIIIIIG hikes on the weekends... like 2.5 - 3.5 hour hikes with huge uphills... sometimes 1000 feet! The bigger the climb, the smaller my behind. Or something stupid like that, lol.

I want to go out and DO something. I get like this when I'm a 6 or 7 on the mood scale (but I'm nowhere near a 10 - nowhere near it). I want to DO something fun... I feel restless. I hate watching TV because I watched it all day every day for a MONTHS when I was seriously depressed. So now I associate it with depression, and I just can't watch it anymore.

So I go to the Morris County Historic Society (my internship), take a nap, go on the computer, go for a walk, etc. during the day. I'm planning on applying to Christie's auction house in NYC for a full-time paid internship for next summer. I'm pretty sure I'm too late for the spring semester part-time internship. Then I hope to intern at the Met... I want to try *everything* before I'm done with graduate school so that I know what I'll want to do.

If I got accepted to intern at the Met, I think I'd pee myself.
Seriously.

My teeth hurt.

My teeth hurt from eating that chicken at lunch... I guess my teeth are not in the best shape to deal with something tougher than I'm used to. I wonder if this will help my tooth sensitivity that popped up after I became vegetarian.

I could only eat 1 tenderloin... I wrapped the other one up because I am NOT going to waste meat... that would make me feel even worse than I already do.

Somehow I have to get the image of slaughtered animals out of my head.
I'm doing it for my health. I'm doing it for my health.
I'm doing it for my future baby's health, when I get pregnant.
I need to remember that.

This blog is becoming more and more about my straying from vegetarianism, and less about bipolar. So here's a link to a study about women staying on their meds/going off their meds during pregnancy, and relapses.

I don't feel 100% comfortable about stating which I'll be doing (because it's a very controversial subject), but I believe I'm making the right decision for me and the baby.

My security blanket.

Mood: 5
Thoughtful, apprehensive (to eat chicken for lunch, lol), lazy


Do you have any items that you can't leave the house without? Be it jewelry, a hat, etc.?

For me, it's my lip gloss.

Laugh if you will... but I have very chapped lips and only this particular lip gloss (N.Y.C. brand) helps them. And when I don't have it, I feel like my lips hurt really really badly... probably psychological, but that's the way it feels.

When I was going into the hospital, I kept asking, "Will I get to keep my lip gloss?"
And it turned out that that hospital was very lax about these things and I kept it.
When I used it on my lips and smelled that fake strawberry smell, it felt like home.

So why do I keep losing the damn thing?

I did it.

I went to Whole Foods today and bought chicken tenderloins and an Indian frozen dish with chicken in it. I bought meat.

Looking at the meats made me a little sick, but I guess that will pass. I hope it passes soon... until then, Jon's doing the cooking (lol).


Mood: 5
Grossed out, sleepy, hopeful


I'm asking for things from Etsy for Christmas from my in-laws... wanna see?

scood in white
clutch
arm warmers
arnica balm
marshmallow and chocolate cake lip butters

I'm such a little diva!



Edited to add:

I ate it... I ate the Indian chicken dish. The texture was weird for me (tougher than Quorn cutlets and other veggie alternatives), but I liked it. Is that bad, that I liked it?

I saw turkey kielbasa in Trader Joe's... I've really missed kielbasa. I may get that...

I'll tell you one thing; my cats will be ALL over us at mealtimes.

I have tremendous guilt....

Tonight I ate a few spoonfuls of a soup that contained chicken broth.

Here's why:

1. I've been feeling run-down for a while and it turns out I'm anemic. I don't get the iron I should and even an iron supplement didn't seem to be doing it

2. I'm on my way to diabetes... the med I take (Abilify) ups my blood sugar... not quite as bad as the Rispardal I took before, but it's bad enough. So I want to do a lower carb diet, and unfortunately, with some vegetarian protein sources being carb-heavy, this means lowering my protein too. I don't want to be diabetic, so I need a protein-rich, lower carb diet.... and my current diet isn't doing it.

3. The protein-rich foods I am eating don't seem to be doing enough... my hair is falling out again (you can't really tell, but it comes out bad in the shower). That's a sign something's wrong.

4. I'm afraid to be feeling this way AND pregnant.

So we're slowly introducing chicken, turkey, and fish (no red meat) back into our diets. First with chicken broth, then with soups with those things in it, then the real deal. We're also going to do free-range as much as we possibly can.

I had to weigh health vs. my feelings about animals. I'm sure many vegetarians are healthy, but I'm not. I was worse off when I was vegan, but things haven't gotten much better since I went back to ovo-lacto.

I hate myself.

It's hot up here.

Mood: 6... feeling, as my mom would say when I was little, "full of beans"
Achy, silly, loved


We both took showers and now the upstairs is hot.

I remember when I got manic, I always felt hot. Even when it was winter and the A/C was on... I just felt so fucking warm and it made me irritable. I just kept saying to Jon, "Make it cooler. Just make it goddamn cooler in here. How do you not feel hot?" I was such an ass.

Now I feel warm when it's actually warm and cold when it's actually cold. I guess it's almost like the temperature you feel you're at coincides with your mood. Or something.

I was thinking today about the fact that the "Flight of the Bumblebees" was my song went I was manic. But what about when I was depressed? Without thinking too hard about it, I immediately think of "Around Here" by the Counting Crows. Just the sound of the song sounds like me when I'm depressed. Here's the music video on YouTube.

What songs sound like you when you're either manic or depressed?
You can answer anonymously if you wish.



Today we spent the day in bed, napping, acting goofy, and cuddling.

Jon: It's going to take forever if we go into the city tonight. We have to drive to the PATH, drive the PATH...
Me: Drive the PATH???
Jon: Change the tires on the bus, drive the bus, break into the Met...
Me: Create an exhibit, cook the food in the cafeteria...

We're so weird. And on the same weird-ass page.
I love it.

What does it mean to be bipolar?

Symptoms list (from DBSA):

The "Highs" of Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms of Mania

• Increased physical and mental activity and energy
• Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence
• Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior
• Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue
• Grandiose thoughts, inflated sense of self-importance
• Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas
• Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility
• Reckless behavior
• In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations

The "Lows" of Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms of Depression

• Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells
• Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns
• Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety
• Pessimism, indifference
• Loss of energy, persistent lethargy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
• Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
• Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal
• Unexplained aches and pains
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

What does it mean to me?

When I'm manic, my thoughts race. I get surges of creativity, and I think that I can create anything I set my mind to (even if it's impractical). I talk faster and have trouble sitting still. I drink a TON of caffeine, because I "need to get things done" and feel like caffeine is my best friend in that respect. I want to do everything imaginable. I get super irritable with those who are closest to me. I feel like people are out to stop me from doing the things I want to do (trying to "pull me down"). I have feelings of paranoia. I sleep for only 3 - 5 hours and I feel fine. My relationship with my husband and family suffers.

When I'm depressed, I don't take care of myself. I don't want to get out of bed, take care of my personal hygiene, etc. I have had (rarely) suicidal thoughts. I don't want to do anything. I feel worthless. I feel nervous to go outside and see people because I feel socially inept. I'm tired a lot. My body aches. My thinking is fuzzy. My confidence and feelings of self-worth suffer.

In other words, it's the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. With bipolar, it's hard to find a middle ground... you feel the emotions that other people do (anger, sadness, feeling great, etc.), but they're highly exaggerated.


The classifications of bipolar disorder (from DBSA):

Bipolar I Disorder

Bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes (symptoms of both a mania and a depression occurring nearly every day for at least one week) and one or more major depressive episodes. Bipolar I disorder is the most severe form of the illness marked by extreme manic episodes.

Bipolar II Disorder

While bipolar I disorder is characterized by one or more manic episodes or mixed episodes and one or more major depressive episodes; bipolar II disorder is diagnosed after one or more major depressive episodes and at least one episode of hypomania, with possible periods of level mood between episodes.

The highs in bipolar II, called hypomanias, are not as high as those in bipolar I (manias). Bipolar II disorder is sometimes misdiagnosed as major depression if hypomanic episodes go unrecognized or unreported.

What is the difference between bipolar disorder and ordinary mood swings?

The three main things that make bipolar disorder different from ordinary mood swings are:

Intensity: Mood swings that come with bipolar disorder are usually more severe than ordinary mood swings.

Length: A bad mood is usually gone in a few days but mania or depression can last weeks or months. With rapid cycling, moods last a short time but change quickly from one extreme to another. With rapid cycling, “level” (euthymic) moods do not last long.

Interference with life: The extremes in mood that come with bipolar disorder can severely disrupt your life. For example, depression can make a person unable to get out of bed or go to work or mania can cause a person to go for days without sleep.

If this is seeming all too familiar, be sure to contact your family doctor, a psychologist, or psychiatrist immediately. You don't have to continue living like this.

- M

New post set-up

In my outpatient program, we'd have morning evaluations. Among the questions asked were:
"From 1 - 10, what is your mood?" (1 being horribly depressed, 10 being super manic, and 5 being "normal")
And "List 3 things that describe your mood today."

So I'm going to start doing that on this blog, with the start of each post.

Here goes...

Mood: 5
Relieved (that Bobo is doing better), Nervous & Hopeful (sent my resume to the Met for a Membership Services job)

Rings, rings, rings!

Check out these GORGEOUS rings on Etsy! Want want want!

From JasonsJewelry

Blue topaz is my birthstone... I love how it's a solitare here. I'm asking for this one for my birthday!

From Indiaylaluna

I love the concept of stacking rings, especially when they come in different colours. The colours here are so classically beautiful.

From AbDesigns

My wedding ring has spirals all over it so I'm kind of partial to spirals. I love how the spiral here is the centerpiece of the ring.

From dillondesigns

Check out all of dillondesigns' rings... how creative are they??? I have way too many favs to even list.

Poor Bobo/Owen

My kitty Bobo (Owen) went to the emergency vet last night.

He had a HUGE lump on the side of his neck... he didn't have it in morning, but when I saw him last night, it was there.

So we went to the emergency vet since it was after hours.

Turns out he was running a fever and it was an abscess. They took x-rays and there were no foreign objects. They gave him antibiotics and he may have to have a drain put in when we see our normal vet on Friday.

Poor little booger :(

--------------------

Also, I have a mental health link that my repro psych gave to me:

Women's Mental Health Network

Check it out! :)

My first post... let's make this a good one.

Why "The Flight of the Bumblebee"?

If you're bipolar, you'll know why.

I was diagnosed after being hospitalized this past February (2008). I'd really been showing symptoms of mania since 2005, and things got really bad (mixed states at times) in summer 2007 - spring 2008. I won't go into details about what preceded the hospitalization - I don't really like to go back to that point. But I am very grateful I found the help that I needed... at first, my meds weren't right, but now they are. I feel like I did before 2005, which is a great feeling.

When I was in an out-patient program, another BPer said that he felt like his brain was doing a dance to the Flight of the Bumblebees when he was manic. That stuck with me, and that's why I named this blog that.

I'm doing really well now... I have a kick-ass museum/historical society internship and I'm looking forward to going to grad school in art history (I'm between undergrad and grad right now). My internship gives me a ton of autonomy and amazing experiences to put on my resume.

My husband Jon and I are also planning on starting a family soon. I've talked to two reproductive psychiatrists and my own psychiatrist and we have a plan for the pregnancy.

What else should you know about me?

1. I'm a Classics freak... point me towards the Greek/Roman stuff and I'll be there all day
2. I absolutely love blue topaz (it's my birth stone)
3. I make cold-process soap (check out my other blog - I'm bad with updating it though)
4. I have a soap business on Etsy ( My Soap Store )
5. I have 4 cats - Chloe, Nino (the Bean), Owen (Bobo), and Romulus (Rommy)
6. We live with my mom and she has 3 cats - Midnight, Oliver, and Kacie
7. My husband Jon is a chemist and works for a fragrance oil company (free samples!)
8. I'm a vegetarian and have been so for almost 5 years
9. I plan on raising my children vegetarian
10. I'm a huge supporter of adoption, and plan to adopt one day
11. I want to work at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (NYC) one day
12. I want an internship with Christie's auction house (NYC) before grad school
13. I make wine and beer at home with Jon
14. I love swapping bath & body products and pampering myself with the goodies I get
15. I'm a huge Obama supporter
16. I don't drive for medical reasons
17. I have abnormally low blood pressure and it makes me dizzy at times (I was hospitalized for it in 2001)
18. I love peanut butter... it's my weakness (even more than chocolate)
19. I've been to England, Ireland, Scotland, and France, but never to Canada or Mexico
20. I love to make "pop" graphics on the computer
21. I love to go hiking with my husband
22. I used to be a diet Coke addict, but I'm only drinking one a day now
23. I've gained 30 pounds on my previous medication and still haven't gotten it off
24. I'm 24 years old, turning 25 in December

There's definitely more... but those are some of the things I see me talking about more in-depth later, so I just thought I'd put that out there.

What is this blog for?

This blog is for my day-to-day ramblings about different topics I find important or at least vaguely interesting, as well as links to articles on different subjects. It may include politics, art, bath and body, animals, the environment, food recipes, hiking tips, bipolar topics, and personal stuff happening in my life.

Check back often for more! :)